In remembrance of my dad.

Hey dad...it's been 20 odd years that you have raised me. Yet, i did not cry at the cremation ceremony even though it would be the last time we ever meet. Is that a sign of being a unfilial son or just that i was hoping you are in a better place right now. For i believe in karma, and your presence on earth was garnering lots of bad karma. You cursed and swore at everyone, got angry for no apparent reason and made your family have no sense of security always threatening mom to sell the house and renting a house to stay in which made no sense. Even in hospital, you eavesdropped on other patients and formed your own mental image of them from their conversations, then cursing them to die earlier or that they deserved to die even though you have never interacted with them before. What can i say for your future reincarnated self if you continue to stay on in this world and live life as you did when you were still on this world? However, you were a good person despite your flaws. You weren't a alcoholic or gambler neither did you have affairs outside. You treated your friends well.

Mom was always worried about your health fearing for you all the time but you never took note. Either brushing her off or scolding her instead when she got persistent. In fact, she was worried that she would see your health deteoriate to such a state where you would be bed-ridden with crippled limbs due to your uncontrolled diabetes. Many a times, i saw you drinking sweet drinks like Nescafe coffee or 100 plus but yet you said its only once in a while. You never took care of your health yet you could tell your friends you always ate healthily. A very contradictory statement. One of the many that you would spout of the 20 years of life with you. You always asked us to think about everything we did, but yet when my mom advised you on things, you always said she thought to much and think for what? Now when i think of the things you said, it was funny to see you contradict yourself time and time again.

It's regretful that the 20 over years i've spent with you, there were not many happy memories to remember you by. You were very difficult to get along with especially when you kept things to yourself. Yet, when we asked you, you would scold us instead as you expected us to know your sorrows. Talking to you was like talking to a wall that constantly banged into you. You never managed to move anywhere forward but instead got hurt everytime you tried. Over time, people slowly avoided that wall as it was just impossible to go through it. Maybe you had too strong a sense of pride and that caused you to feel as if you were invincible. With that, you refused to listen to anyone thinking you were always right. Till now, even with all your friends coming to pay their last respects to you, i will never understand the things you did for it made no sense. You had a family that gave you no problems, your sons did not take drugs, commit robbery and what not. Neither did mom go around to waste your money or have an affair etc...you were debt free since the house was fully paid 5-6 years ago. So as to the source of your anger? There was nothing to justify it. I don't have any regrets about the things i've not done for you..because i never could get through to you. Heh..but dad, i hope wherever you are, you really are in a better place. We'll take care of mom when we can. Please protect her wherever you are and give us the ability to take care of her. The most important thing is to make sure the last worry being me, can grow up and stop causing her to stress over my future.

So take care dad, this is the final goodbye. Every year on 22 January we would visit you. Thank you for everything you have done. The good, the bad, it was nevertheless a good 20 years.

In remembrance of you, James Chia Weu Mok
Born 11 August 1949, passed away on 22 January 2010
Age: 60

Haha..yesterday's dinner at Vienna was good. Didn't get to go kuishinbo cause i screwed up the booking but Vienna wasn't half bad. Managed to eat raw oysters :D That's a plus since i haven't eaten one for like a long long time..high cholesterol i know but i think i'm allowed to sin once in a while right? :D Haha after that went to watch soccer and play bang at my house. Haha well something different for a change. BANG! I wonder what's next week's activity? Hmm.

Slowly picking up studying for my SAT..think my english is far from being any good..

Argh..9 more months. Well..it's just god damn long away. And being the most lao jiao means the meat shield for arrowing. Oh well. Let's hope it'll be a breeze

Haha so...ever since my leave started i've been leaving the blog to turn moldy or rather when i came back from Australia i just seemed to stop...well what can i say. I just didn't feel like doing anything. Wanna enjoy the good times. Haha but the 3 weeks, it past just like that. Kinda sad that it's over but well at least it's slightly closer to my ORD date. Wonder if i can get used to the 0730 to 1800 hrs kind of lifestyle. Probably not in the first few days haha. So a year has passed. The good times and the bad times. The good times are worth remembering. Some bad things which befall on people or me i never got to understand haha but lets sweep it all under the carpet. Ignorance is bliss after all.

Haha well in the absence of the blog entries, i bypassed hell lot of duties, enjoyed a good holiday in thailand(kudos to yx's dad), had a little family dinner on christmas eve, countdown the new year with my iDARE friends. Had a good sherlock holmes movie yesterday. Good plot they solved every single mystery. Fun fun fun of course not without parent's nagging and of course my dad's hospitalization. Well it looks like he's gonna recover but i think he won't control his diet when he gets out of the hospital. Looks like his diabetes is going to haunt him again. Tired of telling him to watch his diet cause he'll just scold us. What rubbish always. Oh well this rules out Australia haha. Retaking SATS again in May. Hope i really study for it. It's my last chance to enter a local uni. Haha though it looks just like empty promises to myself. Need serious help with the writing portion though. I'm really horrible with my writing.

Made many mistakes in the past year. Some well darn stupid mistakes haha(well you know who understands). I'll learn from that lesson. Haha some worthy memories i've had...and how i realised how i'm so not a good person haha well...i can always change right? Heh.

Well for new year's resolution, When i look at my father, i realised how much his bad traits and habits seem to mirror in me. I so don't want to become the person like he is. I want to change. Just do it. Haha in the meantime i'm going to keep this happy outlook going. It's going to be a beautiful day tomorrow. Even if it's not, i shouldn't dwell on it much. We should not get overly happy or sad when something good or bad happens. It's all part and parcel of life.

SZ is back to his army life =(